Let’s talk about the sales funnel. Or as I like to call it: the slippery slide of seduction that takes your customers from “Who the heck are you?” to “Take my money!” — with a few detours through existential doubt, discount codes, and a healthy amount of stalking (the legal marketing kind, not the restraining-order kind).
You see, the sales funnel isn’t a funnel like the one you use to pour cheap boxed wine into your reusable water bottle before a PTA meeting (no judgment). It’s more like a series of awkward dates that gradually lead to a relationship… with your brand. Let’s take a hilarious stroll through each stage.
1. Awareness: The Awkward First Glance Across a Crowded Internet
This is the stage where your future customers first become aware of your existence. Maybe they saw your ad on Instagram sandwiched between a raccoon eating hot Cheetos and their cousin’s engagement announcement. Or maybe your blog post titled “10 Reasons Your Dishwasher Hates You” randomly showed up on Google.
Either way, they now know you exist. You are officially a blip on their radar. Congratulations! Now you have approximately 0.3 seconds to not be ignored.
Pro tip: Don’t try too hard. Desperation smells like expired Axe body spray.
2. Interest: “Hmm, You Seem Mildly Intriguing…”
Now that they’ve noticed you, it’s time to keep their attention. This is the dating profile stage. Show off your personality. Provide useful content. Be charming. Maybe toss in a tasteful meme or a dog in sunglasses. That always works.
Think blogs, videos, freebies, lead magnets — stuff that makes them say, “Okay, I’ll bite.” You don’t have to go full TED Talk here, but if you can solve a small problem they didn’t even know they had, you’re golden.
3. Consideration: The Overthinking Olympics Begin
This is when your lead turns into a slightly paranoid detective. They start researching. Comparing you to others. Reading reviews. Checking Reddit threads that haven’t seen daylight since 2017.
They’re interested, but they’re also skeptical. “Is this company legit?” “Why is this shampoo $38?” “Can I get it cheaper if I wait for Black Friday?” “Do they sacrifice goats under a full moon?” (Probably not. But you should have a good FAQ page just in case.)
Now’s the time to drop some testimonials, a few case studies, and that irresistible email nurture sequence that feels like you’re just two old friends reconnecting over digital lattes.
4. Intent: Teetering on the Edge of Glory
They’re on your site. They’ve added stuff to the cart. They’ve stared into the soulless abyss of the checkout screen and wondered: “Do I really need this? Am I making a huge mistake? What is a CRM, anyway?”
This is your cue to swoop in like a caffeinated ninja with a killer incentive. A free trial. A limited-time discount. An adorably needy popup that says “Hey, don’t leave me, I have cookies!”
Make it easy. Make it fast. And for the love of UX, don’t make them create an account with a password that includes a haiku and a blood sample.
5. Conversion: Ding Ding Ding!
They bought it. THEY BOUGHT IT. You did it. A customer has been born. Cue the confetti and that weird sales gong someone in marketing insists on banging every time there’s a transaction.
But don’t ghost them now. This isn’t a one-night stand. This is the start of a beautiful, hopefully very profitable, friendship.
6. Loyalty: The Cult Phase (In a Good Way)
Now your job is to keep them around. Delight them. Surprise them. Send emails that don’t feel like dental appointment reminders. Make them feel like part of a secret club that smells like fresh success and lavender hand cream.
Offer loyalty perks. Give them reasons to come back. Remember their name (or at least pretend to). Ask for feedback. And maybe send them a birthday coupon that doesn’t expire in 30 seconds.
7. Advocacy: The Sales Funnel Unicorn Stage
This is the Holy Grail. Customers so loyal they tell their friends. Post about you. Tattoo your logo on their forehead (hopefully metaphorically).
These magical beings are the engine of word-of-mouth marketing. They’ll sell your stuff for you. Just keep being awesome and don’t do anything weird to ruin the vibe (looking at you, rebrands that make no sense).
So there you have it. The sales funnel, in all its oddly seductive glory. It’s not just a business model — it’s an emotional journey. Like a rom-com, but with fewer awkward airport scenes and more automated emails.
Now go forth, ye marketers, and funnel like your commission depends on it. Because it probably does.
And hey — if this made you laugh, taught you something, or at least mildly distracted you from checking your Slack notifications — follow me and drop a comment below. I promise to reply with the speed of a toddler who just heard the cookie jar open.
Art Prompt:
A sun-drenched riverside garden scene painted with gentle brush strokes reminiscent of Renoir, bursting with soft pastels — blush pinks, buttery yellows, and pale greens. Figures in light, flowing attire lounge under parasols, their faces glowing in the warm afternoon light. The water reflects the sky in shimmering dabs of blue and lavender. The composition feels loose and airy, with an emphasis on capturing fleeting moments of joy, motion, and sunshine. The overall mood is romantic, tranquil, and almost dreamlike, evoking a sense of nostalgia for lazy summer afternoons.