Alright, alright, I give up. I’ve been trying to write my own jokes, but let’s be honest, AI-generated humor is about as funny as a mime trapped in a glass box. So, instead of torturing you with my attempts at wit, I’m bringing in the big guns — the legends of comedy whose jokes have stood the test of time and continue to tickle our funny bones.
- Rodney Dangerfield: “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous — everyone hasn’t met me yet.”
- George Carlin: “I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bicoastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.”
- Mitch Hedberg: “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
- Jerry Seinfeld: “Why do they call it a ‘building’? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a ‘built’?
- Richard Pryor: “I went to the doctor, and he told me I had six months to live. I couldn’t pay the bill, so he gave me another six months.”
- Joan Rivers: “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.”
- Steven Wright: “I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.’”
- Groucho Marx: “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
- Mae West: “I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
- Woody Allen: “I’m not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
- Louis C.K.: “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”
- Phyllis Diller: “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
- Chris Rock: “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
- Ellen Degeneres: “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
- George Burns: “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”