If you are easily offended, relax. These are jokes. If you are not easily offended, congratulations, you may proceed to laugh aggressively.
A group of religious protestors showed up outside a bakery holding signs that said “Repent!”
The baker walked out and said, “Sir, this is a gluten-free establishment. We already gave up everything we love.”
I saw a protestor with a megaphone yelling, “The end is near!”
I said, “Near like five minutes near? Or near like when my GPS says 2 minutes and I am still 11 turns away?”
One protestor told me I was going to be judged.
I said, “By who? Because if it is the same committee that judged pineapple on pizza, I would like to file an appeal.”
A guy was holding a sign that read, “Turn or Burn.”
I asked, “Is there a loyalty program? Like five turns and you get a free coffee?”
A protestor warned me that my lifestyle was dangerous.
I said, “Sir, I once reheated fish in an office microwave. I have already stared into the abyss.”
They were chanting about fire and brimstone.
I asked if brimstone was gluten-free.
They did not appreciate the follow-up questions.
One protestor shouted, “Have you found salvation?”
I said, “I found my car keys after 40 minutes. I feel like that counts.”
A protestor told me, “You need to fear the Lord.”
I said, “I already fear auto-renew subscriptions. I cannot handle another invisible force controlling my destiny.”
They handed me a pamphlet.
I said, “Do you have this in audiobook form? I only accept my warnings in podcast format.”
Finally, one protestor looked at me very seriously and said, “You are walking a narrow path.”
I said, “Yes. It is called the sidewalk. You are blocking it.”
Look, whether you are protesting, baking, or just trying to cross the street without being spiritually audited, we can all agree on one thing: humor is cheaper than therapy.
If you laughed, follow along for more Friday Night Laughs and drop your best clean joke in the comments. If you did not laugh, I assume you are currently outside my house with a megaphone.
If you enjoy wearable sarcasm, you can grab some art and merch right here: Dave LumAI Shop
A luminous riverside park at dusk rendered in delicate, rhythmic dots of pure color, tiny flecks of cobalt, emerald, and warm amber dancing across the canvas. Tall slender trees rise along the water’s edge, their leaves shimmering in scattered touches of viridian and lemon yellow. The sky glows in layered gradients of coral, lavender, and pale gold, each hue built from countless precise stipples. Figures stroll along a winding gravel path, their forms softened into harmonies of color rather than hard outlines. The surface vibrates with optical energy, light dissolving into atmosphere, shadows composed of cool blues and violets instead of black. The overall mood is tranquil yet alive, a celebration of color theory and evening light captured through meticulous, patient dots.
The dotted riverside park at dusk comes alive as the tiny points of color subtly shimmer and pulse. Light ripples across the water in animated stipples, each dot brightening and fading like breathing pixels. The sky transitions from coral to lavender in a smooth gradient built from swirling particles. Leaves flicker in rhythmic waves, and strolling figures move gracefully as if formed from drifting constellations of color. Occasional bursts of golden light scatter outward in playful patterns, creating a mesmerizing, hypnotic loop with vibrant optical energy.
Pair it with:
- Electric Light — CHVRCHES
- Midnight Glow — Cannons
Follow for more laughs, more art, and more slightly inappropriate sidewalk conversations.